I have the problem that whenever I listen to someone I listen with a purpose in mind. I listen in order to understand what is the issue, problem or concern I need to solve or fix.
My second problem is that I actually understand people fairly well and catch on to what is the issue problem or concern very quickly. Then, I put on my problem solving hat and jump right to coming up with a solution.
This is a problem because, as a colleague of mine, Chris, recently pointed out to me - most people do not want me to fix their problems. Most people want to resolve their own problems. What they are looking for from me is to be heard and understood.
Chris suggested (hmmmm was he trying to fix my problem?) that I should stop listening for understanding. Instead I should listen until the person talking feels understood.
How could I possibly know what they feel? Chris pointed out that when a person feels they have been understood, they become more relaxed in appearance and tone of voice. They may sigh or show in their body position or face that they have finished talking. They may pause. At that point the person feels understood.
When someone feels understood they are ready to either solve their own problem, or if they truly do want help to solve the problem, they will ask for it: "So, what do you think I should do?" they may say.
For the last month I have been trying to catch myself listening for understanding and instead replace that behavior with listening until the person feels understood. I can't say I've been completely successful in shedding my old habits yet, however, I'm making progress and I think the people who I'm listening to are beginning to notice!
